Incomplete Ramblings

Dreams

All my life I've only wanted 2 things.

I mean really wanted 2 things. One was to be a writer - which i've done, doing, continue to do. The only thing that sparked a passion and hope and love and made me feel alive was writing.

The other was to be a mom.

Remember those reports for school, if you had to do them, where you would be in 5 or 10 or 20 years? What would you be doing in the year 2000? How would life be in the 21st century? Would there be flying cars, etc?

Whatever I imagined, I always had 2 constants, the man, setting, etc changed but the constants were me being a mom and writing.

Now it's come to face the fact that the mom thing may not be happening. I'll always have hope but this is miscarriage number three and with my reproductive issues and other concerns. I'm beginning to wonder will it ever happen to me. I love my nieces, nephews and honorary Goddaughter. But it's not the same.

Will I be able to finish a pregnancy? Go full term?

I have a hard time being around pregnant women sometimes. Going down or near the baby aisle in the grocery store, clothing store, etc.

I don't know but part of me refuses to let the dream die. It's in God's hands and when it's supposed to happen it will. I know all that but it's just...

Frustrating.

And it hurts.

Edited to add: This is a reality post not for sympathy. But I thank everyone for your thoughts, kind words and prayers. It helps. And maybe talking about it helps and maybe I can help someone else.

posted by angeleque @ 9:25 PM