Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Issues and Thank yous

First, I would like to thank everyone for all the kind words, cyber hugs and encouragement with dealing with the recent miscarraige.

It was my third and sometimes it's hard to give up hope.

I went from not knowing if I could get pregnant to knowing/accepting/being ecstatic that I could get pregnant to not knowing if I can stay pregnant. Which is where I am right now.

I know if it is in the cards for me, in the divine scheme and plan of things that it will happen when the time is right. When the moment and the man who is meant to be the father of any children I may have is available and ready (though don't quite know who that could be at the moment but that's another issue).

And I admittedly have issues. I love children and babies but I can't hold them at times or be around them. My best friend and his wife just had a child this past week and while I'm happy in my heart and soul. I just can't express it yet. I can't look at the pictures without the longing and hopes and even a few tears. Cause truthfully, it hurts just a little bit.

There are some who say I should talk about it or be so open about it. But if I can help someone, give support to someone who is going through what I am, put a face and a voice to the issues of infertility, miscarriages, endometriosis then I've done something good and made a difference. If we don't talk about it, just keep our emotions inside then it becomes like a disease that festers and eats away at us. For far too long I've held things in and kept quiet, doing what others wanted instead of what I wanted and needed. Not anymore. If you don't like it, don't read it. But one thing that I've discovered, is that it helps to talk? Plus, you never know who will be listening, if it helps one person, shows them that they are not alone or the only one going through this or someone understands then I will keep at it.

I will get through and we will survive with prayer and perserverence


At Saturday, November 05, 2005 12:41:00 AM, Blogger Laine Morgan said...

With prayer and perserverence, you will make it. I know what you have been through. I had one traumatic miscarriage, then went through the next pregnancy scared to death, but she was born healthy. The next pregnancy I felt pretty good about, but it ended up miscarrying, too. Then I had a healthy baby after that. When I got pregnant with my third, the doctors said they couldn't detect a heartbeat, and that the baby was so close to a tube that it might be a tubal. Now i'm terrified and shocked. I go in the next week, and the babys heartbeat shows up, and he has also drifted a little further away from the tube.

So those times of uncertainty and heartbreak are rough. But God is bigger than our trials, and there is a reason although now it seems like a great, senseless tragedy.

Stay strong, and keep trying. I've known women to miscarry several times before they carried a healthy child to term.

At Friday, November 18, 2005 8:40:00 AM, Blogger Desiree Erotique said...

Hi Phoenix,
I found a link to your blog from a friend's. There are many kinds of losses humans have to deal with, and miscarriages are no less painful than many. While I've been blessed with four beautiful children, I've miscarried three others. I still mourn for the ones not here. You are in my prayers. But please remember, sometimes miracles do happen -when least expected, too!
Gods bless.

At Friday, October 13, 2006 8:29:00 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Hi Phoenix,

I understand what you are going through, I had two miscarriages between my first two children. One was at 13 weeks and one at 7weeks. I found a pg loss forum (I believe it was the one at inciid) and I also logged my losses with the Church of the Holy Innocents dedication to unborn children. I am not Catholic but it gave me peace (you can find them here click on the shrine dedicated to children who died unborn), they also send out a certificate for you and a personal letter. It may not help you but for me it made it seem real that someone at least acknowledged those children existed. So many people try to help by saying "you're better off something was obviously wrong" or "you can get pg again" or many other platitudes that really only hurt. A simple I'm sorry would have been good for me. Even though I now have a #2 and #3 my #3 was a struggle - he almost came at 28 weeks and every week thereafter until finally at 34 weeks he arrived.

I just wanted you to know that my heart hurts for what you are going through. If you don't mind I will send up some prayers. Take care.


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